Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Spaced Out Time Freak

A new school year, and yet I'm already down to the last few weeks of my illustrious substitute teaching career. As much fun (and mind-rendingly annoying) as it's been, I've decided to move to Chicago, find a job with benefits, and go to grad school to become an art teacher. I'm excited. Of course I'll also be acting and hopefully attending Second City improv school, seeking my fame and fortune, but this time with a backup plan that is also fun.
 
Anyhoo, I have not been able to get it together this week in any way, shape, or form. I'm lucky I found today's school (and that the teacher left her computer logged in, enabling me to access the internet, bless her!!!). I just went to Chicago last week to scout out jobs and the apartment scene, and it was fun and exhausting. Now I'm back and, as always seems to happen to me post-travel of any sort, I am completely unable to get back in the swing of things. Heck, I can't even find the playground, let alone anything remotely resembling a swing!
 
I was telling two dear friends of mine that I think I should go to Jamaica or Ireland because I hear that the locals have the same relationship to time-space that I do... Which, now that I stop to think about it, is the equivalent of two people who can't stop cheating on their spouses with each other. We get together when we can, relish every minute together, sometimes fight and then make up passionately, and then, eventually, retreat to our separate corners of the universe. But if time-space is my mistress (is there a masculine word for mistress?!?!) then to whom, or what, am I married? In other words, which part of the universe do I inhabit the rest of the time? How odd. Sort of a mental rolling over in bed after 27 years to see who is sleeping on the other pillow. I suppose it's... Purple? A squiggly line? A big trampoline covered in stars? (Or just glitter?) Maybe a form of time that branches out like trees rather than moving in a straight line? My own reflection? (That last one's probably the most likely, let's be honest.) A big fairy orgy like some Midsummer Night's Dream bacchanal? An orange elephant? The possibilities are endless. I'm not sure that whichever dimension I inhabit is fully aware that I'm there yet anyway. Like me, it must know that there's something very real around, but it can't put its finger on me. Probably best that way. If it's not sure exactly who I am it can change my hair color to suit its mood.
 
This has been another production of... the inside (or points adjacent) of Inga's brain.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

8th Grade Brings Out The Hatred In Me

A few weeks ago one of the teachers at the middle school where I sub often asked me to sub for her today. She failed to tell me she taught 8th grade. My last class was so horrible, I came the closest I ever have to walking out. There was a point when I was staring at the clock at the back of the room, and had to talk myself out of picking up my purse and walking out of that churning classroom, never to be seen at this school again. I decided not to because I didn't want to leave the faculty in a bind. But it prompted me to google, "What's wrong with today's youth." (I never thought I would be that kind of person, but they've driven me to it.) Hilariously, it popped up as a popular search topic.
 
As a result of this search, I happened upon two articles on AskMen.com, written by a guy whose handle is "Mr. Mafioso". He writes articles as a mafia character, complete with Italian interjections and mob references. It makes for funny articles and a good amount of insight, with some of that long-lost machismo as a cherry on top.
 
My final class of the day isn't quite as bad, thank goodness. Since they're busy copying down the answers to a worksheet (because, as one teacher put it, "They've been spoon-fed so long they can't figure out how to feed themselves") I decided to post the links to two articles on "Why Today's Youth Are Garbage". This substitute teacher is so glad to know there is someone else out there who feels the same way. (More than one, since I told one of the teachers here about the articles and she gave me her email address so I could send them to her.)
 

Friday, May 29, 2009

Middle School Teachers Take A Lot Of Days Off

That's why I'm here so much. As I type this, a group of seventh grade students are taking their Language Arts benchmark tests. Ah, standardization in all its splendor...
 
They walked in and several of the students remembered me from the last benchmark I gave them, which was in a certain Social Studies class, and proclaimed, "Pain is weakness leaving the body!"
 
We joked around a bit and there were a few class clowns who tried to test me in a battle of wits, but enjoyed being ever so slightly humiliated in the process. One of them cried, "You're evil!" and they all laughed when I giggled and nodded. It's nice to have my reputation preceed me. : )
 
Anyway, this morning I went to a private school in a neighboring county where a friend of mine teaches second grade and also runs a yoga club. Part of my children's yoga teaching certification is that I have to observe and assist for a certain number of hours in a yoga class, and then volunteer a few classes. So I got to watch cute kids do yoga and then come give a benchmark exam. A decent day if you ask me. Especially since I found a HUGE strawberry among the remains of some sort of luncheon in one of the teachers' lounges. And promptly ate it. Yummm...
 
I'm excited because Up just came out today and I will be going to see it this weekend. Hooray for Pixar! Here's hoping they crawl out from under Disney's cloven hoof some time soon.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Big, Burly Nuns

These middle schoolers' behavior is APPALLING. My kids will go to Catholic school and be taught by burly, intimidating nuns. Anything to ensure that they don't turn out like these vermin. I mean, I went to public school and all, but I don't remember behaving this rudely. Even when there was a sub. CONSTANT. TALKING. Answering back. Making faces. Outright disobedience. The grotesque cadence of their virtually illiterate speech. Their foul odor. My only youthful rebellion was that of an intellectual sort, and that was mostly just confined to English class debates and rare class skipping during my senior year of high school. Nothing like this.
 
I mean there comes a point when even the opposable thumbs don't seem to separate them from the animals. Good lord. I'd take a room full of bunnies over this any day.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Holy Field Trip, Batman!

So I show up to my usual middle school for what I presume will be a boring-at-best day of 8th grade science. It turns out I'm going along on a field trip to Goucher College to watch a theater performance of some of the works of Edgar Allen Poe! I'm getting paid to go to the theater. I think I may be able to handle that.
Note: The performances ended up being so boring, and they weren't all Edgar Allen Poe. The one of "The Monkey's Paw" was ok. But I slept through the rest, so again, it was worth it to get paid for sleeping through lame theater. : )

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Spring Is Here

I've had various assignments lately but seeing as I've also been rehearsing a play that's set to go up in a couple of weeks, I've been too busy/tired lately to post much.

A few highlights...

I am, apparently, the first choice for that special ed. co-teacher at a middle school where I've already had several assignments. It tends to be a boring day because the classes are so long and I usually just sit there, falling asleep with my chin on my hand. In math class I have to sit next to one of the students I'm in charge of, he's not a big talker, but he also doesn't have a bad attitude, so I prefer him to some of the others.

Well, the last time I was there, we were sitting in that same math class and I hadn't even said anything to him since, "good morning" at the beginning of the day, when he turned to me and asked, "Are you going to be here again tomorrow?"
I responded, "I have no idea, probably not, though. Why?"
"'Cause you're fun," he said.
"What are you talking about? I'm just sitting here," I said.
He just kind of smiled and paused a moment, then nodded as if to assure me and repeated, "You're fun."

It was actually very sweet.

* * * *

Then the other day I subbed a half day in kindergarten. The teacher left almost no plans but luckily, the teacher's assistant knew what was up and took the reins while I mostly assisted her. If I weren't maintaining the anonymity of the schools where I work I would rave about this one. It's got an amazing location and is a very nice little school. That's all I can really say.

Anyway, I love kindergartners, they're adorable and blurt out random hilarity at a nearly constant rate. This day proved to be no exception.

The kids were trickling into the classroom in the morning, during which time they got to take a few moments and do a worksheet while eating the free breakfast provided by the county.

A word about these free breakfasts: sugar. They are, essentially, of no nutritional value whatsoever. They consist of a choice between small breakfast muffins that are basically just muffin-shaped lumps of processed sugars and simple carbohydrates, and chocolate cookies. I watched two kids open their chocolate milk cartons so that the top was completely open, then drop two chocolate cookies directly into the milk and eat them with a spoon. Ingenious? Yes. Nutritious? No. I am appalled. If this is the board of education's answer to making sure kids get breakfast because it's healthy and gives them a good start to their day, why not just deliver a case of candy bars to classrooms each morning? It would basically have the same effect!

But I digress.

So the kids who have already arrived were sitting there peacefully rotting their teeth and spiking their blood sugar when another little girl ran into the room, flung her arms out wide, threw back her head and cried, "I HAVE TWENTY COUSINS!!!" Everyone stopped and gaped at her. She dropped her hands, looked about the room, and then went to the breakfast bin to get a muffin and milk as if nothing had happened. The beauty of kindergarten is that the rest of the kids immediately went back to fishing their cookies out of their milk, equally blasé about the whole incident.

They were learning about seeds and got to plant birdseed in little plastic cups with soil and water placed on a windowsill. The smell of the soil was almost intoxicating, I am still drunk on spring having arrived.

I think the kids are feeling it too, because one little boy picked me a dandelion and made me promise I wouldn't throw it away but would put it in water when I got home, which, of course, I did.

The same boy wanted me to play on the playground with him, and I told him I was too big to go on the jungle gyms and such, but if he climbed up on the little fort they have and waved to me I would wave back. He finally agreed and ran off, and I figured he would forget all about me the minute he had joined his friends. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw some a small but rapid flurry of movement, and when I turned to look it was him, waving at me as hard as he could, his brow furrowed in concentration. I smiled and waved back, which seemed to satisfy him. He grinned back, dropped his hand, and then carried on playing in peace.

Later in the day they were doing some reading of different books they had in the classroom while they waited to be dismissed for lunch. Each student had a book, and they sat together at their little tables in their shockingly tiny chairs, reading.

Suddenly, one of the little boys gasped and pointed to a picture in his book. Turning to his comrades seated about him, brown eyes lit up from within, he exclaimed, "Look! A gorilla fighting a dinosaur!!!" As I walked by I glanced down to see what he was reading, and smiled in gratitude for the privilege I had to witness this moment: A child's discovery of King Kong vs. Godzilla. It was truly a thing of beauty.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Yesterday: Kindergarten

I can pretty much sum up my day teaching kindergarten with one line, as I overheard it (which was completely out of context), from a conversation between two of the kids in my class:

"Hey, Emily, remember when he laughed so hard his tongue fell out?"

Enough said.

"Perhaps some day I will sub for you again on a day when I can be nice to you. Today is not that day."

I worked a partial day for the zany social studies teacher I like, only instead of a regular lesson I had to give the county benchmark test for the section they just finished learning. It's one of those where if they talk at all you rip up their test, so I guess it's a big deal.

I had so much fun being quietly intimidating, it was great. Normally, despite all my talk, I'm actually pretty nice, and it has occasionally bit me in the...ankle... because at some point they take advantage and get out of hand and then it's hard to rein them back in. But today I got the chemistry just right, and the pay-off was awesome.

It's not that I was downright mean, per se. I just channeled my inner... military school instructor? Catholic school nun? Totalitarian dictator? And let me tell ya, it was mighty empowering. Old Benito may have been on to something...

Their teacher told me to tell them that if they wrote on the question packet there would be big trouble. Actually his exact words (and mine when I relayed instructions later) were, "Write on this and DIE." That got them because as one of the boys exclaimed, "And he means it, too!" So I adopted that Modus Operandi and ran with it for the rest of the day.

I told them that they had to be silent during this test because I did not feel like playing around with them today, they're old enough to know how they are supposed to act during one of these things. I said if they made a single noise I would assume they were cheating rip up their paper and that would be that, no questions asked, so no talking.

"Are you going to write on this packet?"
"No..."
"Are you going to talk during this test?"
"No..."
"If you stub your toe, will you make a sound?"
"Yes..."
"Wrong! You will not make a sound. You will walk it off and deal with it. Pain is weakness leaving the body."
(A few bleats of worry and confusion from the crowd.)
"That's a quote from the Marine Corps. It means that pain makes you stronger. You can handle some discomfort for this single class period. So even if you stub your toe, walk it off. Toughen up and deal with it. I'll write that on the board so you remember it."

So I wrote, "Pain is weakness leaving the body. - U.S. Marine Corps" in big letters on the chalkboard. Underneath it, in all capital letters and underlined, I wrote, "SILENCE."

It worked. They were silent the whole time. The first class murmured a bit toward the end of the period, but the second class was so good that I told them if they kept it up til the very end they would get a reward. Their reward was, "the satisfaction of knowing that your best, and that you came out stronger as a result." I couldn't help but chuckle even as I said it, but they didn't seem to mind that much.

When that last class was dismissed for lunch the teacher, who fought with the U.S. Army in a certain "limited skirmish in the Middle East," returned to the room cracked up when he saw the chalkboard.

Some may question my methods, but I don't think there is anything wrong with occasionally asking students to exert themselves and behave responsibly. Even in public schools. Just one generation earlier and they really would have had a nun with a ruler (or a firmly clenched fist) standing over them every day instead of me and a single inspirational quote for a single class period. My favorite teacher of all of my years of school was a man who used intimidation quite often, and he had our complete respect. He wasn't cruel, he was just honest, and he followed through with consequences. We got a lot done that year.

Anyway, it was fun for me, and I think it was fun for some of the students. I noticed some of the quieter ones smiling and seeming to enjoy watching their peers squirm a little. I'm sure it gets old being surrounded by the brink of chaos day after day. Even the ones who seemed worried at the beginning walked a little taller by the end of class. Maybe they secretly did feel satisfied with themselves. Plus, taking charge and not worrying about which pre-teen it bothered helped me get me back into my head space after a somewhat disconcerting week in my personal life that had me a bit off-kilter. So it was good for all of us.

On a lighter note, when I walked into the building this morning there were a few kids hanging around outside the front doors and one of them called to me, "Oh my god, you're the yoga lady!" Lol.

Monday, March 30, 2009

I Must Have Some Middle School Karma To Work Through.

Back at middle school. Same one. Yet again. The best part about being at this school in this particular assignment is that I have such a long planning period, just over two hours. It occurred to me today that I could easily go home, eat lunch, have a quick lie-down and be back in time for my last class period and no one would even notice. But I don't think it would be right. Plus, this gives me time to read and sometimes squeeze in a meditation if I have enough privacy. And the special ed. office in this building is so nice and soothing that I don't mind being here for a while. This is the second day of the two-part assignment that I started last week.
 
Friday found me at another special ed. classroom, this time as a teacher assistant in an elementary school. It was nice to get to observe, and the other teachers in that room were cool and chatted with me, but I didn't have much to do so the day really dragged on. Plus, it was cold in there.
 
But I did get to go with one of the other teachers and take the kids to their music and gym classes, in which they are integrated with the rest of their grade level. In music they got to try playing the autoharp, which got me thinking about the movie Walk the Line and one of the songs Reese Witherspoon sang in it, "Pale Wildwood Flower". I think the instrument she was playing when she sang that was also an autoharp. In gym all the kids played dodgeball, which was painful at times but mostly hilarious to watch, and if they got tagged out they had to do exercises before they could get back in the game. The best part of that class, though, was the warm-up, during which they had to run laps around the room. Two of our kids from the special ed. class ended up just running around in circles in the middle of the room and laughing. It was so adorable, they were having a blast just running in circles, the other teacher and I cracked up watching them.
 
Anyhoo, I figured out how to publish posts from my email, since I can't access my blog from the hyper-restrictive locked-down school computers.
 
We did more work on the persuasive essays in language arts today, and I got to take a group of students to the media center to work on them there, which was nice. I helped them research sources for their outside expert source or whatever. It's a good assignment, but there I feel like their teacher is being a bit too formulaic about it. Who knows, maybe that's how "the county" wants them writing these days. Either way, it was nice to get out of her classroom and out from under her somewhat oppressive energy. In math they took a test. Social Studies should be fun, though. I'm looking forward to it, the teacher is a riot and he lets me participate in class. I think the idea is that if I, having apparently been labeled as a "cool sub" by the kids, get excited about social studies then the rest of them will follow my example. Whatever works, it beats sitting around and zoning out, and I always liked learning about other cultures and all that junk. This week they're learning about the Middle East so I might tell some stories about my trip to Egypt back in 2001. Shake it up a little since most of the personal stories are told from the teacher's experiences during the Gulf War.
 
Well....... I guess I'm going to read for the next hour. Woot!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Seventh Grade Again

I'm writing this segment of my blog while I'm still at school because I'm so bored and I need some semblance of communication with the outside world, and I already sat in my car and bugged people at work (sorry, J-Dawg) and responded to a text and junk like that.
Today I'm subbing for a special educator who serves as a co-teacher in classrooms where special ed. students are integrated into the "regular" class. I basically help out in the classroom and make sure everybody's on task 'n' junk. Schools in this county operate on a block system, where each class is 86 MINUTES LONG. I repeat. Eighty. Six. Minutes. Long. Each! I am so worn out I can barely function, and I've had a two hour break that consisted of lunch and a planning period. No wonder these kids are so annoying. They're trapped in these unnaturally long sessions, most of which are held in open classrooms and have so much noise from neighboring classes I personally feel like I'm about to lose it half the time.
My first period class, language arts, was with a teacher for whom I substituted a few posts ago. The class remembered who I was but they were on their best behavior and didn't say much to me. I can see why. Their teacher is mean! I don't know if "mean" is the right word, but she's overbearing and doesn't really smile, and she talks too much and doesn't ask questions except to check and make sure they're paying attention. She also doesn't articulate herself very well, which isn't the best quality in a language arts teacher. Worst of all, the energy she projects is very... heavy. I felt so weighed down I had to get up and excuse myself to go to the bathroom, just so I could breathe, ground, center, and try to remind myself of a funny inside joke I could keep in my mind so I could perk up the vibe in there a bit.
When I returned to the class I picked a seat in the middle of the room next to one of the students I was supposed to keep an eye on and casually started helping the students around me. They have to right a persuasive essay where they argue for a change that they'd like to see happen in their school. For once, my creative writing degree came in handy. I helped several students write fun opening paragraphs, gave tips for those who were stuck, and even helped one finish his entire first draft outline thingy. (His was about how middle-schoolers should have recess, which is a cause I believe in.)
Then it was on to math, where i basically had to walk around and around and around the classroom and make sure people were copying down all of the answers and showing their work on this review worksheet for a test, and on all of the other papers that they did. By the end of the block I was ready to jump out of my skin, I was more than ready to go. I somehow got back here to the special education office (this building is so impossibly labyrinthine, I keep waiting for the frickin' Minotaur to jump out around every corner) and shut the door. The cinder block walls in here are painted a nice relaxing blue, not too bright, and it's got a cozy greenish-blue carpet.
Another special ed. teacher and I griped about how long the class periods are. It's different when you're teaching and you've got all these things to do, multi-tasking makes time fly. But now that I experience the tables turned, I have a new perspective on the students' experience.
Luckily, in about ten minutes I get to go to the fun social studies class I've been to when I last subbed for special ed here. The teacher is fun and likes me a lot, we tell the kids stories about the places we've traveled to and it's fun. After that I'm out of here! I can't wait to take the dog for a walk, it's kind of cold but misty and I yearn for some nature time. I'm reminded of a wee snippet from a poem by William Butler Yeats: "Away, come away, Empty your heart of its mortal dream..."
*Deep breath* I'm goin' in!

* * *

As predicted, the last class was fun. Hooray, social studies! When I walked in the kids remembered me and shouted stuff like, "You're back!" and "It's the nice sub!" I don't know where they get these crazy notions, but it was nice to hear. Then a few of them told me I should be a real teacher, which I shut down faster than... a jackrabbit? I don't know, I completely blanked on that simile. Then they said I should be a yoga teacher, which is something I could handle. Apparently word of my yoga sessions with the language arts classes I subbed in before got around. It was nice, though, thanks seventh graders for redeeming yourselves at the last minute.

The teacher asked me to sub for his first two classes next week and give some kind of standardized test to his higher-level students, so I said yes. Always nice to have work lined up.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

A**hole Larvae: A Plan.

So it turns out I have a coming-home-from-work ritual that I just noticed today. On the way up the drive my dog barks at me from the yard and spins in circles, and I call out a greeting to him. Then I walk inside and see if anyone is home which they usually are not. I kick off my shoes at the door (we are Icelanders, after all), drop off my purse and jacket by the little bench/coat rack and the mail on the counter. Usually by this point I have emitted several high-pitched "Aaaaaaah's" like an untalented opera singer in training. This is the typical way in which my initial relief at arriving home issues forth. Then I go upstairs to my room, and if it has been a particularly harrowing day, I do an Esther Williams style swan-dive onto my as-yet unmade bed, and lie there groaning for a few seconds. Then I roll off, open the blinds in my room (since it's still dark when I leave and I'm paranoid about peeping toms among other things) and quickly change into jeans. From there I spring to the bathroom, where I wash my hands, wash off that blasted makeup, take care of any other bathroom needs, and then return downstairs to drink a glass of water and decompress. Then I am officially home and it feels so good.

Today was a particularly harrowing day, so I did require the swan dive onto my bed followed by some groaning.

I was back at my old high school again, back in that same teacher's room, and back with those illiterate monsters who will one day take over the world.

I feel I have to say... I am not a misanthropic person by nature. Sure, I prefer frolicking in fields to grocery stores, and being trapped in a shopping mall full of small spaces would be a more-than-ample personal hell for me, but I still like the occasional city, culture, art, the theater. I'm a hopeful future actress, for god's sake. I need an audience, don't I? And beyond that, I know that I am supposed to try and shine my light onto the planet, we are all related, give peace a chance, look out for your fellow brothers and sisters just trying to make it in this crazy, mixed up world of ours, one love... I'm mixing my metaphors here, but the point is, it's not that I hate people. And it's not that I hate all teenagers. I don't think of myself as a snob. But today, like all days I spend attempting to teach the unwashed pubescent in its myriad forms, I came up with a plan. And it's not a nice one either.

What if... stay with me now... what... if. We did IQ tests. And personality tests. And observed classroom behavior. Of students, through all of their elementary and middle school years and up to maybe their junior year of high school. And if they had not yet mastered reading and writing at a reasonable level for someone who should have learned how to read by age six, they would be interviewed. They would be offered tutoring, extra help, tested once again for learning disabilities. If they had all their faculties and still didn't give a good goddamn about their education, or ever getting one, and had no interest in a useful trade or art form, they would be thenceforth removed from school and the rest of society and would be used... for manual labor. Stay with me!

Think about it. These are the larval versions of the idiots who don't know how to drive on the road. The numbskull at the DMV who sends you home three times to get paperwork she claims you're missing, when on the final time you demand to see a list of passable documentation and it turns out you had everything you needed the first time around. Your neighbor who parks his ancient, enormous SUV prototype in front of your house when there are no cars parked in front of his. The moron at the crowded pizza counter who shouts over everyone to his or her boss that your credit card was declined and they don't know what to do about it. These are the pupa versions of those assholes! They're baby assholes.

We are cutting down trees for these people's houses. They thank society by throwing fast food wrappers out their car windows. Hell, they eat fast food in the first place. Each car on the road spews forth at least one ton of pollution into the atmosphere every year. Each of these people has one of those cars, and probably a loud one at that, which they drive past your house in the middle of a weeknight, not caring whose precious few hours of sleep they disrupt. They breed relentlessly and their offspring will require housing, and loud cars, and fast food to eat.

Isn't there some way we could just put them to work? Manual labor. Barracks and shared cars. Birth control. Every year they can have a chance to repent and try college, but if they mess it up they're back to work until next year's annual review.

I know it sounds horrible, but I have seen them. I have seen the future. And it terrifies me. It would terrify you, too. The good ones can be saved. The genuinely disabled don't have to be penalized. It's just the idiots I'm talking about. The asshole larvae. Think about it.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Fifth Grade-- Why Was I Worried?

Well, I know I was worried because fifth graders are one year away from being dreaded middle schoolers, but I had a really good day today with those cheerful little "tweens".

I was running late because I stayed up too late at a friend's house playing with her adorable newborn baby girl and talking, and then it took me a while to wind back down to go to sleep. Anyway, so I rushed into the classroom during morning announcements. I hope they don't put me on some list for horrible subs who are never to be used again.

Anyway, I think I've mentioned before how kids just openly talk about you like they think you can't hear them, which is always funny. As though their voices register in the same spot on the sonic spectrum as cetacean echolocation pings or dog whistles.

But where was I? Oh right. I was so excited because they're doing a whole unit on buffalos (spell checker is wrong, both "buffalos" and "buffaloes" are correct according to the dictionary) and American Indian culture, WHICH I LOVE! In fact when I was looking for an AmeriCorps program I almost worked at a school on a reservation somewhere near Redlands, California, but decided on the San Francisco area instead. Luckily, while I lived in the SF Bay Area I met some really cool people who were of... a tribe whose name escapes me, but one of whom was a spiritual leader and let me participate in a ceremony. And around the same time (but separately) I discovered the annual Stanford Powwow in Palo Alto and loved it. Mmmmm, fry bread. And I still wear my moccasins to this day! It's held on sacred land which is fenced off in the middle of this park, and it's got such great vibes I used to go there alone on warm afternoons and sit at the base of an adjacent tree and marinate in them.

Anyhoo. Unfortunately, today I had to teach two hour-long sections of math, helping the kids prep for one of those ridiculous state-wide standardized tests. Gag me. It turned out to be fun, though, because I had long since forgotten how to do a number of the problems, so I let different kids come up to the front of the room and teach the class (and me) how to do it. At long last, I can identify a rhombus. I also got two new buddies out of it, each a talkative boy who kept disrupting the review. They got to bring their chairs and work up and sit right next to me. They both turned out to be lots of fun though, and kept making me laugh which was nice.

During silent reading time I read one of the books in the classroom, Buffalo Woman by Paul Goble. I hoped it would be about White Buffalo Calf Woman, but it wasn't. It turned out to be such a beautiful story anyway, with gorgeous artwork, that I think I might buy it for myself some day. Certainly if I ever have kids of my own. I looked at all the other buffalo-based books in the class and none of them talked about White Buffalo Calf Woman, much to my surprise. Maybe she is too much of a spiritual figure to be brought into public schools. Bit of a crying shame, isn't it?

Anyway, the day finished up with a science assembly where two girls did visually interesting sceience experiments for the kids. It was cool, they made polyurethane foam right there in front of us, out of two liquids in a small beaker. They also popped balloons filled with different gases that made loud noises which was also fun. But the best part was when they lit different chemicals on fire and they burned beautiful colors. I was fairly undignified next to the other teachers, ooh-ing, ah-ing, and that-was-awesome-ing along with the kids.

All in all, it was a good day.

Update

So high school redeemed itself ever so slightly. A small group of friendly 10th graders said that I looked like a singer or actress, and two boys tried to exchange phone numbers with me (unsuccessfully, of course). One young man asked me if I go to the local community college. Sweet, sweet sunscreen, how could I ever have doubted you? Flattery will get you not nearly as far as bribery will, but it was still a nice ego boost.

It's weird being so close in age to high school kids, at least as far as appearances go. If I didn't have a substitute pass when I walked around the building I have a feeling most of the teachers wouldn't be able to tell me apart from the riling throng of heaving hormones in the halls during class change. Plus they put out this very closed-off vibe that I need to learn to overcome and just be the same outgoing nice teacher I am with the lower grades. But it's a lot easier with kids than with almost-adults. For me, anyway.

However... Today I had a good day in elementary school so I'll share that in a separate post.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

I Will Never Be A Teacher

Three days in a row at a middle school will do that to you.

My first two days were as a teacher assistant in a special education class. I am officially taking my hat off and curtsying to every human being who takes on this job as their calling. Wow. The amount of pure energy that kind of work requires is nothing short of superhuman. I do not doubt that the satisfaction of helping these amazing children learn and knowing that you are a part of the progress that is changing their lives must far outweigh the stress and exhaustion, but still... I am in awe of special education teachers. Utterly and completely.

Today was spent as a seventh grade language arts teacher. The first two classes were a little rowdy but ultimately fun. We did some yoga at the end of class, they thought I was cool and funny for the most part, and I liked them too. My last class was too talkative. There were a few who were o.k. I suppose, but as a whole they were rude and disruptive and completely dismissive of the person at the front of the room trying to run the class. Ugh. Disgusting.

So my hat also goes off to the teachers of teenagers. Adolescence is certainly a necessary part of physical and personal growth... but do we as a species have to be so damned OBNOXIOUS during this time? It's the worst possible combination of childishness and adulthood. All of the lowest, most base characteristics of each life phase combined into one. Add hormones and it's a veritable nuclear waste dump of humanity. Of course there are some kids who stay nice and sweet the whole way through, but certainly not enough of them for this substitute to go pro.

I was thinking about it the other day when I subbed at my old high school. I thought to myself, "These poor kids, they're so trapped by their own insecurities. How can I reach them?" And the answer was, I really can't. The teen years, however spent, all have one thing in common: self-absorption. They only way to really reach them is to somehow use their egomania to catch their interest, and then sneakily relate it to the material. Otherwise you're lost. Of course there are some teachers who inspire respect in teenagers. I've known them. I still can't quite figure out how they do it. I think it's a certain pheromone they must possess. Either way, I don't have it, not really. I can work with them if they're willing to be worked with. If they're in the least open-hearted or curious about the world around them, and the people in it, I think I can reach them. But let's face it. Many of them are not. Some never will be. And some won't be until college, and then the college professors get to have all the fun, with students who are actually interested in the subject matter, lucky bastards.

Until then... I'm glad to be a permanent sub. Not permanent in one classroom, but forever traversing the educational realms, gleaning what small iotas of significance I can from one experience to the next.

But I will never... I mean NEVER... EVER... be a full-time teacher. Mark my words....

Subbing At My Old High School

Last week I substituted at my old high school as an English teacher, which was my favorite subject when I went there. I took Honors and Advanced Placement English all four years, and had an absolute blast discussing and writing about literature. I eventually majored in English in college as well.

I did not have honors students on my day as a sub. I had students who hated reading aloud, out of whom answers had to be dragged, and who made my day essentially miserable.

But not entirely miserable, I should say. The fun, albeit bizarre, part was being back in my old high school as a working adult, in the teaching role, no less. Very strange.

For one thing most of my old teachers were gone. But one teacher is the mother of one of my high school friends, and was very friendly and showed me where the official "teacher" bathrooms were. Another was a teacher I never had when I was a student but always wished I had. He was so friendly and talking to him as a peer was very cool, and also very time-warpy and weird. Then there was one teacher who started out as a permanent sub while I was a student and was the absolute BANE of my existence my senior year of high school. My beloved AP English teacher left for an extended period of time because of an illness and surgery that required a lengthy recovery. So this...woman... came in and took over the class. She was the antithesis of everything that literature stood for in my life. She sucked all of the life and creativity out of our class, and all of the fun as well. Our original teacher was something of a pragmatic romantic, and was a great teacher for me because she was willing to go with me on all of my random trains of thought and help me develop my perspective as a reader and a writer. The substitute, however, was just one of those nightmares who is the type that goes by every syllable the dreaded Board of Ed. would utter, and leaves the souls of numerous potential literature-loving students in her wake. I hated her then, and when I saw her the other day she didn't recognize me, but I remembered her and couldn't help but give her a bit of the stink eye.

But I digress.

The most striking thing I noticed was what a closed and paralyzingly cliquey high school I come from. Mean girls are everywhere, they all look and dress the same, except for those few brave souls who dye their hair beautiful rainbow colors and such. But I remember one moment when I was asking for a volunteer from the class to read, and everyone froze, terrified. It was as if I had pushed a button and suddenly steel walls dropped out of the ceiling and slammed down around each and every desk, blocking them from each other and from me. No eye contact was made, no words spoken, no muscles moved. I think they even stopped breathing. It was then that I remembered that in my high school, you never, and I mean never, put yourself out there. I flashed back to when I had a sub who asked a student to read aloud, and we all sat there, and I remember feeling a tad sorry for the sub but being unwilling to explain that we just don't do that here. The social groups were too stratified, and you never wanted to risk being a target of ... whatever it was that we feared so much.

I thanked my lucky stars, God, the Goddess, and most of all MYSELF for no longer being a teenager in high school, and for having gotten over at least most of the damage that such an environment wreaks upon a sensitive, tremulous, slowly flowering self-image.

When the bell rang I couldn't leave fast enough. I had thought that the echoes of long-lost crushes, friends, music, daydreams, and memories would have danced through the halls and tickled my memory with happy recollections, but that wasn't what happened. But I suppose that what did happen was better in the long run: I got over missing high school. Even the good parts should just stay good, misty little memories. That part of life is over now. This is the part where I create what is mine.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Bringing Down the House - Third Grade

Today I got YET another half day position, this time with a third grade class at one of my former elementary schools. (I say "one of" because I moved around a lot as a kid.) It was lots of fun.

The first part of the morning was spent with a huge, 1.5 hour long math lesson about probability and learning the difference among events that are unlikely, certain, likely, etc.

Then came the fun part.

I passed out these comic books that are about smoking. It was geared more towards teenagers in high school, but I guess it's standard issue throughout the school district so these kids got them too. The cool thing was that the artwork was really dark and sinister, and the superhero was just cheesy enough for a teenager to think it's stupid, but for a third grader to think it ROCKS.

This chatty bunch was so silent while they read it you could hear a paper clip drop. No, literally. I accidentally dropped a paper clip and you could totally hear it. I read it too and some of the vocabulary was pretty advanced, but none of them stopped once to ask what a word meant or anything. Their faces were so intent and fascinated, it was adorable.

After they finished reading, we were supposed to have a little discussion and then they had three worksheets to do (a word search, some scrambles) but our discussion lasted so long they only ended up having about five minutes to do the papers.

My "performance" in the discussion... in a word... KILLED. I brought. The house down. I went through all kinds of scenarios and characters of what to expect from smoking. I definitely gave them nightmares when I told them not to be tricked into using "dip" or chewing tobacco, because you can get mouth cancer and then they'll CUT OUT YOUR TONGUE (made them all hold their tongues and try to talk) or they'll REMOVED YOUR ENTIRE LOWER JAW (made them try to talk without moving their beautiful chins). Freaked them out, big time. Then I did all these valley girl impressions of girls trying to convince them to smoke. Then I did dudes who think they're cool impressions trying to convince them to smoke. We talked about ads and how you never see the beautiful female models actually put the cigarettes in their mouths and smoke them because beautiful models don't smoke (let them find out about Kate Moss in their own time). And I did a cowboy impression trying to tell them they'll be big and strong and tough with a horse and a hat if they smoke. One kid shouted, "You stink!" (to the cowboy character) and I, as the cowboy, responded, "Uh, no I don't. That's my horse." They fell apart laughing.

The great thing about kids is that they use their imaginations ALL THE TIME, so when you break into a character or a scenario they're right there with you. You don't have to give them a whole set-up and tell them which imaginary things are what or where. When I pointed over my shoulder at my imaginary horse, they burst out laughing, perfectly in-step and following along with the story.

We even got into what it's like to be addicted to something. How if they had a whole awesome day at Chuckie Cheese planned and they were going to be there for like FOUR HOURS and were in the middle of playing the BEST SKEE-BALL GAME OF THEIR LIVES when all of a sudden... Uh-oh. They really really really need to have a cigarette and have to step outside... And when the come back, someone else took over their game and lost all their points. They were interested in that, I don't think people usually describe what it's really like to be addicted to something, they just say that your body has to have something and leave it at that. But when I told them that I've known people who wake up in the middle of the night just because they need to smoke in order to fall back asleep, they were fascinated. And horrified.

At the same time, it's really cool how logical we are as kids. To a third grader, it would be completely ridiculous to ever start smoking. It is bad for you, it kills you, therefore, why do it? And yet in a few short years they'll be subject to all sorts of images and fads and pressures. And many adults who are still addicted know it is bad for them and continue to do it, unwilling to go through the discomfort of quitting for a better life in the end. What changes?

Maybe it's the trauma of puberty that never leaves us, and many of us remain deeply insecure and unsure of ourselves forever. Maybe other traumas scar us and make us want to self-destruct. Maybe it's nature. Or nurture. The debate rages on. : )

Either way, today showed me that it's not bad to think like a kid: use your imagination unceasingly, and keep that incredible clarity of logic that tells you when something is a good idea, or when it's just plain dumb.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Half Day with First Grade -or- A Study on Undiagnosed ADHD

Last week I subbed for a half day at a local elementary school's first grade class. It was challenging because there was a boy in that class who clearly had undiagnosed ADHD and was driving me crazy.

The teacher, who had to leave for the afternoon and left me instructions while the students were at recess, warned me about this boy, saying that she was pretty sure he has ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder), although he hadn't been officially diagnosed yet. She told me he may be argumentative and will have a difficult time following directions. Later, the teacher from the classroom across the hall let me know that if he got too out of hand I could send him to her classroom for a time out. I thanked both of them but told myself that I would not go into the day already on the defensive against a six year-old who could very well be a perfectly sweet child who was being unfairly labeled. And even if he did have some issues, I have worked as a tutor and teacher of many children with a variety of learning disabilities in the past, so I wasn't too worried.

The warnings turned out to be valid. He was disruptive throughout the day. He refused to follow simple directions and then reacted very emotionally when corrected.

For instance, I was introducing the students' math lesson about the value of a penny and a nickel. One of their activities was to play a little board game in pairs that simply involved allowing the students to practice counting pennies by ones. He did not follow directions, and arranged his game pieces all over the board, refusing to cooperate with his partner. Now, in my "non-teaching" life I am an actress and a writer (still struggling to be paid for both of those things, obviously) and so am very pro-creativity and expressiveness, and love making up my own games as well. So when I'm in the classroom I like to encourage students to use their imagination and think for themselves, too. But his partner really wanted to play the game, and I could see she was getting fed up with him and had begun to play on her own. I wanted to encourage him to cooperate and have a successful time playing with another student, since most of his classmates had grown tired of his repeated outbursts during the lesson already.
But to no avail. He was so wrapped up in the fact that I "ruined" his game, he couldn't see past his own sense of indignation.

Nevertheless, the day moved on.

We read a story that incorporated the math lesson. I had a large version of the story book propped up on an easel next to me, the students each had a smaller version to hold in their laps and read along. This boy was the only one who wouldn't sit properly and read it. Instead, he sprawled out on his stomach and kept kicking his legs at the girl sitting behind him, knocking her book out of her hands. After repeatedly re-directing him and trying to get him to sit properly, a little girl looked up at me and muttered, "He never follows the teacher's directions."

The most frustrating thing was when I was going over their seated desk work, a simple worksheet that showed the kids how to chose different combinations of coins for different amounts of money. The student in question got up and went to the bathroom, which is located conveniently at the back of the classroom so students are free to go whenever they wish, and stayed there for the entire time I was going over a few sample problems and explaining the directions. Then he came out of the bathroon, did his entire worksheet without knowing what the directions were, then brought it to me where I was giving individual help at a separate table. Of course his entire paper was done wrong, with the exception of one question. When I let him know that they were wrong but it was all right becasue he hadn't heard the directions, he started crying and was angry with me that he got all his questions wrong. I didn't make a big deal out of it, and tried to re-direct him to focusing on how to do the problems correctly instead of harping on the fact that they were wrong, but he ended up totally shutting down and pouting for the rest of the lesson.

The afternoon continued in much the same fashion, with all of the othe children more or less cooperating while this one continued to disrupt. It was so draining.

Now, I am against medicating children just for the sake of "calming them down" or drugging them into a stupor just because they may have some learning challenges that can be addressed in other ways. I basically view medication as the ultimate last resort. It has traditionally been my knee-jerk reaction to feel angry when I hear parents of active students or children with learning disabilities talking about how school teachers and authorities are pressuring them to medicate their child for ADHD, but this experience gave me pause.

I can now understand why a teacher would want a parent to try medication, after having to deal with such a difficult student day after day. Not only that, but I could see the genuine suffering in that child's eyes. At one point we stepped outside in the hall, my hope was that without the stimulation of all the other kids in the class I could get him to focus on me and really listen. He told me how hard it ws for him to adjust to first grade with all the rules and sitting still, and I told him that I understood but to try to remember that all of his classmates are going through the same transition and it's not always easy but they do their best.

I know that he couldn't help jumping up and walking around, or calling out, or that a lot of his combativeness is most likely a result of anxiety and low self-esteem. I think he would secretly like to be able to participate effectively in class, especially because of how his behavior alienates him from his classmates, most of whom seem to view him at worst as a nuisance and at best as an occasional class clown. And I also feel for his classmates. His behavior was just as stressful for them as it was for me. Lessons took longer because I kept having to stop to address his behavior. Their individualized help and attention decreased as his disruptive behavior increased.

Lesson for the day: Untreated learning disabilities and behavior problems in the classroom are a miserable experience for everyone involved. I think parents need to be more open to the idea that their child could need some real help, whether it is simply enforcing rules better and making school a high priority at home; adjusting nutrition so that a child who already has high energy does not get pumped full of sugar, caffeine, and other foods that do nothing for the brain; providing enough time for exercise in the child's day; possibly prescription drugs if necessary, or even a combination of these things.

The earlier the intervention, the better. This student was a first grader. He is learning the major building blocks of reading, math, social skills, and study skills. If those blocks are weak from the beginning, the whole structure will be in crumbles long before he reaches high school. Situations like these, when left unchecked, create high school students who cannot read, and I have personally worked with plenty of those.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Day 1: Kindergarten Teacher Assistant

I woke up with fifteen minutes to get ready to sub for a teacher assistant at a local kindergarten class. When I arrived I found out that today would have been her "busy work" day, so I could look forward to six hours of making copies and cutting out hundreds of construction paper fish.

Being around kindergartners all day is refreshing. For example, I started off my morning listening to some songs. Most of them sort of ran together, but the set opener was that song where you learn all fingers and say to each other, "How are you today, sir?" and "Very well, I thank you," to the tune of Frere Jacques. I had it in my head until a fun little item that must be off the new album of kindergarten hits, "Dr. Seuss We Love You," brought down this one-woman house as I grooved in my seat while tracing my 38th fish.

Young kids also randomly get hurt or sick and seem to accept it as part of their daily lives. I was asked to escort two kids from the same class to the health room on two separate occasions. The first one was a little girl who suddenly vomited on the carpet. As we walked I asked her if she was sick or something, and she seemed more concerned with getting to go to the media center for story time later. Poor thing ended up having to go home, but I suppose there's always next story time...

The second time was a boy who got a little too rambunctious in the "dramatic play" center with one shoe off, and stubbed his shoeless toe, peeling his toenail back a bit. He hobbled beside me while I tried to keep him talking to keep his mind off the pain. Apparently this is the third time he's been to the health room "in a row". Not sure if he's using the expression wrong or if he really meant the last three days. Either way it sure does seem like a lot. He did make it back to class in time for the story.

Another great thing about kindergartners is that they're still young enough to "say the darnedest things". I enjoy answering their questions with the shortest answer possible in a completely not patronizing tone, the way I would answer a simple question of an adult friend. I just figure they get sick of being cooed at all day. I remember being suspicious of overly-smiley strangers at that age. Come to think of it, I still am.

My favorite interaction of the day was when I, lost in a snarl of brightly colored paper scraps, was approached by a diminutive kindergarten boy, dressed in a snazzy plaid button down shirt.

Boy: What's your name?
Me: Miss Inga
Boy: Miss Maria?
Me: No, Miss Inga.
Boy: Miss Inga?
Me: Yeah.
Boy: Oh. (beat) Nice hair!
Me: (looking up from scissors) Thanks.

He strolled away while maintaining eye contact, nodding with approval with a little smile on his face. As soon as he turned the corner I burst into chuckles.

All in all it was a good day in kindergarten. And I managed to cut out over 160 fish!